I know that I have posted before about how gross my kids are, but today I was in the throws of the early stages of Spring Cleaning and I realized, yet again, that my kids are fucking disgusting. Not only are they disgusting, but I conquered several of their hoards of gross today and feel pretty damn good about it.
Yes, you read that correctly, I have already begun my spring cleaning. Before you go on thinking that I have my shit together, let me clarify two things: 1. mostly I sit around and make painfully detailed mental lists of the shit that I would like to get done and 2. this early deep cleaning of everything suddenly began because one little kidiot peed on my new damn mattress. I do not have my shit together, nor am I an organizational or homekeeping expert here to teach you everything you need to know about a clean home. I do want to tell you this story though, because its gross and I hope you can relate.
As I previously mentioned, a child of mine peed on my mattress two days ago and since it wasn’t on my side of the bed, it was pretty easy to convince The Whole Assed Honey that we should buy an upholstery shampooer. For good measure, I made sure to throw in the “the car could really use a shampoo too, you’ve seen under the car seats, right?” and that pretty much settled it.
We rushed right out and bought this little green machine and I cleaned our mattress right up. No big deal, right? Pee is normal, leaky diapers are not unusual and hooray for my ridding our bed of kid pee. This is not that disgusting. Bear with me, I’m getting there.
I figured since I had made such a big deal about the back seat of the car needing cleaned that I probably ought to clean it. I hauled the two older kids outside with me and released them with a roll of towels and some Windex and I took my cool new toy with me. (side note – how fucking great is it that my coolest contraption is a carpet cleaner?) Now, I didn’t take before and after pictures because quite frankly I was pretty fucking embarrassed by the crusty disaster that the car had become and I’m not about to put that shit on the internet for everyone to see. BUT what I will do is use my knack for creating life from words so you can dry-heave along with me as I tell you about how fucking gross kids are. You’re Welcome.
I pulled all the car-seats and their “protective mats” out of the back seat, and actually had to put a little effort into their removal, as they appeared to be fused the rear seat of my Honda Accord with some kind of organic glue. The fabric of the seat was formed stiff with the impression of a toddler seat hours after I pried those fuckers out of there. I busted out the shop vac and sucked up and an entire school of goldfish crackers, the remains of their fallen family members, what I think might have been M & M’s, a fossilized nugget from our favorite fast food place and a great deal of unidentifiable shit. The seat was still stiff and when I peeled off the floor mat I realized that I had a little more that the seat to contend with. APPARENTLY when a leaky gatorade bottle mixes with a spilled milk shake, it makes a plasma-like liquid that can penetrate and solidify all fabric.
Cool. I will just pre-treat this shit like the instructions on my Green Machine said. Tough stuff beware – I have pre-treated.
I was also armed with a little scrub brush so I was fairly confident that after the shop vac, I could handle it. I poured my shampoo and water solution on the permanently scarred seat and as the liquid began to penetrate, a smell began to permeate everything like a toxic gas. There must have been several layers of dairy product in the seat, because after each passing minute I could not escape the stench of various stages of rotting milk. You could smell the curdle and my once black seat fabric began to turn a milky white. I grabbed the little green machine and started scrubbing and as I finally began to loosen crap from the seat fibers, the smell from the floor got me. Did someone throw up in my car without me knowing? Fuck no, remember those crackers I told you about… have you ever gotten any of those little bastards wet? Apparently I had missed a pile and my treating liquid crept under the seat to saturate them. They should be consumed dry at all times to save yourself from the smell.
And I did it. That Little Green Machine sucked up all the months of grossness that my children deposited in the back seat of my car, and it did it without complaining – which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for myself.
Also, while I was cleaning my car, the kidiots spilled milk on the couch. Can’t make this shit up. So I immediately shampooed that up and now I am questioning what other gross shit I’ve yet to discover about my lovely kiddos. Can’t wait.